Passions Remain in the Waiting

This is a season of waiting. 

A season full of waiting for normalcy to return. 

A season waiting to be able to go and do all the things my family loves to do. 

A season of waiting for all of the anxiety to work itself out. 

A season full of unknowns, waiting and hoping for answers. 

In this season of waiting, I have one hope; one truth I can cling to even on my darkest day- Jesus. 

Let me be frank, my anxiety is not a lack of faith. It’s a chemical reaction in the brain. I’ve been here before...

The difference now is I know how to recognize the signs, approach the symptoms, and remember to pray for strength and clarity. 

There is a list of things I love doing and miss greatly during this season. It’s all compacted with the weight of COVID-19 too. I'm sure many of you are experiencing something similar.

Already, as a mom of two toddlers, I’ve been sitting in a season of waiting. A season where I have put my dreams/passions on hold (for lack of better word) in order to raise and care for my family.

“Motherhood is a calling.” I’ve heard that said many times before and it rings true; it’s also one of 3 callings/passions in my life. Now, as I wait with and enjoy my family, I also struggle sometimes with not living out other aspects of my calling.

I had plans for my life after college. What my life looks like now is nothing like what I had envisioned, which is the beautiful thing about God’s will and grace. My family, caring for them, growing with them, leading them to worship, teaching my kids how to care for others; those are all part of my role as a wife and mother. And it is only by the grace of God that I am able to do those things. God called me to it and He will equip me when I seek him. 

Now, let’s backtrack some...

As a high schooler, I knew and felt the call towards special education and individuals with special needs. I went to college, got my degree, taught for 2.5 years, then put that on hold to be a mom. 

But my heart longs and aches because I am not serving such a special community- a community of families I know I’m called by God to love on and advocate for. I sit in this waiting season asking God: “What does this look like in the future? How will you use me next in this area of ministry? When will I do this again?” If you’re wondering, I’m still waiting on that answer- I may be waiting a while, but I won't stop asking and seeking. 

In college, my love for singing became a passion for leading worship. It has been nurtured, full of lessons, and I have adapted to different communities/congregations through the work of the Holy Spirit. Sometimes, I feel “stuck in a box.” It’s frustrating, but that doesn’t stop me from participating or serving in worship ministry. Why? Because it’s not about me. It’s not about my preferences. Leading worship is all about leading people to the throne of God, inviting them to enter into a place of freedom before their maker, and often preparing their hearts to hear from God’s word.  

Again I find myself asking the Lord to continue changing and working in my heart. That HIS Spirit would use me as a vessel for His glory while leading worship; whatever that may look like and wherever that may be. As my kids grow older, I am able to be more flexible, serve in different ways, and say "yes" more often; which I love!

But, in these seasons of waiting, I do a few things. 

For starters, I cry... a lot more than you’d think. I also keep bringing it to God while thanking him for the blessings he’s given me in the form of a loving, hard working, God-fearing husband, and two healthy, beautiful children. 

I also grieve. That may sound odd, but I know serving the special needs community IS going to look different when I’m released back into that area of service. Knowing I will not be able to put all of my heart and soul into a job saddens me some, but I’m also excited to see how God uses my family in the next season. 

I also rejoice while waiting with great expectation. My vision of what being a teacher and worship leader looked like is in the past and I am expectant and excited for what God will do in the future. 

I don’t believe God put these things in my heart or has kept the fire burning for no reason at all. I’m excited to see what he does next and what the future holds. But for now, I’ll continue to seek Him while focusing on what he’s put right in front of me for THIS season. 

He knows my heart. He knows my future. He knows my worries and anxieties. And he is the comforter, protector, and provider who never fails. 

This is what I’ll cling to.

Food for thought:

There are a couple of things I ask myself during seasons of waiting:

1. What steps should I be taking right now while I wait?

2. Am I OK with things looking different than I had planned?

3. If not, HOW can I be content with HIS plan for these things he has placed in my heart?

***As I read through Nehemiah (chapters 1-2), I see how he struggled, prayed, and then rose to the calling God had placed on his life. He was a cup-bearer to the King before rising up as a leader among the Jews. Yes, cup-bearer was a risky job I'm sure, but he was "comfortable" in a palace until God called him to something else out of his comfort zone. And he, almost immediately, faces some hurdles. But he doesn't walk away from what God has called him to just because it is hard. He prays. And prays some more. Sometimes seeks counsel from his "leadership team," but his first step is ALWAYS to pray. May I be like him and seek God first, especially in the face of opposition and uncertainty. May I always remember to stop and pray with a thankful heart.