Skip to main content

Passions Remain in the Waiting


This is a season of waiting. 

A season full of waiting for normalcy to return. 

A season waiting to be able to go and do all the things my family loves to do. 

A season of waiting for all of the anxiety to work itself out. 

A season full of unknowns, waiting and hoping for answers. 


In this season of waiting, I have one hope; one truth I can cling to even on my darkest day- Jesus. 


Let me be frank, my anxiety is not a lack of faith. It’s a chemical reaction in the brain. I’ve been here before...

The difference now is I know how to recognize the signs, approach the symptoms, and remember to pray for strength and clarity. 


There is a list of things I love doing and miss greatly during this season. It’s all compacted with the weight of COVID-19 too. I'm sure many of you are experiencing something similar.


Already, as a mom of two toddlers, I’ve been sitting in a season of waiting. A season where I have put my dreams/passions on hold (for lack of better word) in order to raise and care for my family.


“Motherhood is a calling.” I’ve heard that said many times before and it rings true; it’s also one of 3 callings/passions in my life. Now, as I wait with and enjoy my family, I also struggle sometimes with not living out other aspects of my calling.


I had plans for my life after college. What my life looks like now is nothing like what I had envisioned, which is the beautiful thing about God’s will and grace. My family, caring for them, growing with them, leading them to worship, teaching my kids how to care for others; those are all part of my role as a wife and mother. And it is only by the grace of God that I am able to do those things. God called me to it and He will equip me when I seek him. 


Now, let’s backtrack some...


As a high schooler, I knew and felt the call towards special education and individuals with special needs. I went to college, got my degree, taught for 2.5 years, then put that on hold to be a mom. 


But my heart longs and aches because I am not serving such a special community- a community of families I know I’m called by God to love on and advocate for. I sit in this waiting season asking God: “What does this look like in the future? How will you use me next in this area of ministry? When will I do this again?” If you’re wondering, I’m still waiting on that answer- I may be waiting a while, but I won't stop asking and seeking. 


In college, my love for singing became a passion for leading worship. It has been nurtured, full of lessons, and I have adapted to different communities/congregations through the work of the Holy Spirit. Sometimes, I feel “stuck in a box.” It’s frustrating, but that doesn’t stop me from participating or serving in worship ministry. Why? Because it’s not about me. It’s not about my preferences. Leading worship is all about leading people to the throne of God, inviting them to enter into a place of freedom before their maker, and often preparing their hearts to hear from God’s word.  


Again I find myself asking the Lord to continue changing and working in my heart. That HIS Spirit would use me as a vessel for His glory while leading worship; whatever that may look like and wherever that may be. As my kids grow older, I am able to be more flexible, serve in different ways, and say "yes" more often; which I love!


But, in these seasons of waiting, I do a few things. 


For starters, I cry... a lot more than you’d think. I also keep bringing it to God while thanking him for the blessings he’s given me in the form of a loving, hard working, God-fearing husband, and two healthy, beautiful children. 


I also grieve. That may sound odd, but I know serving the special needs community IS going to look different when I’m released back into that area of service. Knowing I will not be able to put all of my heart and soul into a job saddens me some, but I’m also excited to see how God uses my family in the next season. 


I also rejoice while waiting with great expectation. My vision of what being a teacher and worship leader looked like is in the past and I am expectant and excited for what God will do in the future. 


I don’t believe God put these things in my heart or has kept the fire burning for no reason at all. I’m excited to see what he does next and what the future holds. But for now, I’ll continue to seek Him while focusing on what he’s put right in front of me for THIS season. 


He knows my heart. He knows my future. He knows my worries and anxieties. And he is the comforter, protector, and provider who never fails. 


This is what I’ll cling to.



Food for thought:

There are a couple of things I ask myself during seasons of waiting:
1. What steps should I be taking right now while I wait?
2. Am I OK with things looking different than I had planned?
3. If not, HOW can I be content with HIS plan for these things he has placed in my heart?

***As I read through Nehemiah (chapters 1-2), I see how he struggled, prayed, and then rose to the calling God had placed on his life. He was a cup-bearer to the King before rising up as a leader among the Jews. Yes, cup-bearer was a risky job I'm sure, but he was "comfortable" in a palace until God called him to something else out of his comfort zone. And he, almost immediately, faces some hurdles. But he doesn't walk away from what God has called him to just because it is hard. He prays. And prays some more. Sometimes seeks counsel from his "leadership team," but his first step is ALWAYS to pray. May I be like him and seek God first, especially in the face of opposition and uncertainty. May I always remember to stop and pray with a thankful heart. 






Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

When the Waiting Ends

 I have less than one week left of summer vacation.  One week to soak up time with my kids before I step into a new season I thought wouldn't come for a few more years- if ever.   Back in January, I wrote about holding dreams tightly in the heart and loosely in the hands. In the midst of a Bible study with friends, I had come to the point of accepting I may never serve families and children with special needs in the capacity I desired again. I had come to the point of saying, "Volunteering for  Buddy Break  may be where I serve. I'll show my kids how we love on these families. I'll let you (Lord) use me where you will. You gave me this heart for these families. Lead me to where I should go and guide me in how to serve. Help my heart to be content in this season. " Fast forward to April sometime. I was sitting with my dear friend, sipping lattes at our favorite spot, enjoying our once weekly coffee date. Special ed came up (naturally, as she's a teacher). The
Post a Comment
Read more

A Dream: Held Tightly in the Heart, Loosely in the Hands

We live in a society full of big dreams and dream chasers. Multiple outlets telling us to never give up chasing our dreams, to keep dreaming big, but that often looks like us being encouraged to actively pursue said dream in some tangible way. Otherwise, you’re “letting your dreams die.” What if we began holding our dreams tightly in our hearts, recognizing God has placed a strong pull in our lives towards something, while also holding those dreams loosely in our hands?  Consider the strongest desire of your heart; the dream in you that you so badly want to pursue. Have you surrendered it to God lately? Have you gone to him and asked, “Is this dream for ME? Or am I preparing the way for someone else?” We read in 1 Chronicles 28 David’s charge to Israel. He explains in verses 2-3 his heart’s desire to build a house for the Lord and how he had already planned it out. But, God says to him, “You may not build a house for my name, for you are a man of war and have shed blood.” (v.3 ESV)  We
Post a Comment
Read more

Making Your Quiet Time Count

  Why is it, so many of us have an unrealistic expectation and idea of what Bible study  needs  to look like? Perhaps we have watched others have “successful” Bible study by spending hours studying and journaling. Maybe we have experienced a retreat-like environment, where we were able to shut off all the noise and soak in the presence of God, so we crave that same experience every time we sit down with our Bible.   I always want my devotion time to be fruitful, but I realized I had placed an unbelievably high expectation on myself for making my time with the Lord “perfect” and “pretty.” Sometimes, my quiet time is far from quiet.  But that doesn’t mean the Lord doesn’t speak to me.  Here are three intentional steps to help you make the most out of your quiet time in the Word  —  regardless of what is going on around you! 1 -  Pray for eagerness and a heart change ( Hg 1:1-11 ). In the book of Haggai, the remnant of Israel has returned out of captivity in Babylon to rebuild the Temple.
Post a Comment
Read more