Pouring In to Build Up

 Relationships. 

They're sticky and scary; often surface level. 

In my own experience, it seems folks don't want to lean into relationships with authenticity and vulnerability. Instead, we often keep walls up to keep ourselves safe and others at a distance. After all, who has time to pour into another person, right? Who really wants to know messy stuff happening behind the scenes?

Wrong.

The problem, in my personal opinion, is we don't realize the great responsibility we have to one another. 

We were literally made for relationship. 

We are told in the Bible to build one another up. (1 Thess. 5:11)

Love one another. (Romans 12:10, John 15:12, 1 John 4:11)

Encourage one another. (Hebrews 10:24-25)

Walk with and teach one another. (Titus 2:2-8)

And for some reason we refuse to do that. 

As I continue to grow in my personal relationship with Christ, I am learning to see the areas and spaces around me that (honestly) need a complete overhaul. 

As a teenager and young adult, I had leaders who were more like mentors in my life. They poured into me. They helped me walk through some of the darkest valleys in my life. They laughed with me. Cried with me. Challenged me. Called me out on my crap/sin. And best of all, pointed me to Jesus in love. 

I look around and see so many hurting people who either have no one to walk through the hard stuff with or who refuse to open up to even their closest friends to allow them to walk the journey with them. 

Why are we so afraid of vulnerability and authenticity?

Of course, there is a trust factor. Trust develops over time by putting intentional effort into building a solid relationship. This requires time. Are you willing to give up that time? 

As a mom, I am continually praying my kids have youth leaders and adult mentors to look up to, talk to, and confide in when they need to. I am not so naive that I believe my kids will tell me everything; after all, I didn't tell my parents everything. I hope we build a strong relationship as they grow up knowing, as their parents, we are a safe place. 

But, there is something to having another adult in their life (maybe a teacher, youth leader, or even a family friend, grandparent, aunt/uncle) who will listen to them and point them to Christ when they are struggling. 

When I was in high school, I struggled with the divorce of my youth leaders. When the new youth pastor and his wife arrived (referred to as P & S from here on out), I was a hot mess of teenager. I hid a lot of things from my parents out fear of disappointing them and just not knowing how to cope appropriately. 

As my relationship grew with P & S, I began asking them hypothetical questions about a "friend" who didn't eat, was angry and just seemed sad all the time when she wasn't around her friends. If my memory serves correctly, it didn't take long for them to catch on I was asking questions about myself. 

We were sitting in a coffee/donut shop when they asked me if all these questions and situations were really about a friend or about myself. From there they took me home and sat with me as I told my parents what had been going on. 

Here's the beautiful thing about this, as I write with tears in my eyes remembering this scene, I am so grateful for two people who took the time to listen to a struggling teen. They read between the lines, then confronted it head on in love and gentleness. From sitting in my parents living room with me, to walking with me through the hard journey ahead, P & S gave me the support I needed outside of my family. 

God bless them, they walked with me and talked with me often. They sacrificed their time and energy to pour into a teenager. They gave me an incredible example of what it means to be a youth leader and friend. 

I am a quality over quantity kind of girl. I don't need 20 friends and my standard/expectation of what a friend is goes beyond group gatherings and play-dates every now and then- although I do enjoy those things.

As a friend, I want to be able to walk through the highs and lows with you, praying for and with you, and pointing you to Jesus when your vision my be clouded. And I treasure that in a friend who does the same for me, because I am sure to be blinded by my emotions at times! 

We were made to pour into one another and build each other up. It is foolish to think we can do life alone and get by with only surface level relationships. Some relationships don't last forever, they're just for a season, but I'd say that makes them all the more important. 

I don't share all of my life with P & S anymore. They're still in my life, but the relationship has changed. 

Now, I am married and I share every detail with my husband. 

I also have a best friend who lives 1,300 miles away I talk to daily. She and I share about our struggles as a mom, wife, missing the company of one another. 

I have one friend here who can read me like a book, and I her, who I have the honor of sharing life with. I get to share the exciting new things happening, but also the struggles & longings in my heart. I know she will speak life into those areas by pointing me to Christ. And, we pray together! 

That is a friend. 

It is foolish to think we can live life without being in authentic and vulnerable relationships. It is foolish say we don't have the time to give to kids who are hurting and need someone other than a parent to talk to. 

Not all of us are being called to serve youth, don't read this wrong. But, we are, as Christ followers, called to serve one another... and the majority are doing a pretty terrible job at that because it is easy to become distracted by all the other things in life. 

Maybe, just maybe, self-care isn't time alone, rather three hours having conversation with a friend who cares deeply for you. Do you feel known in your relationships? Do you know your friends? Or are you flying by the seat of your pants because "there isn't enough time" to invest in relationships outside of your marriage, kids, work, etc? 

Technology is a gift for relationships. When used correctly, of course. 

A simple text message, Marco Polo, email, voicemail- all can go a long way to show a friend you care and are thinking/praying for them even when you have no near plans to grab coffee and chat. 

Take the time to invest in the people in your life. Take the scary steps of being real, allowing the barriers of "self-protection" to fall revealing the real you- no matter how broken and messy it may be. I can guarantee, the people who walk with you through the hard things in life are going to be the same people who cheer you on and celebrate with you in the easy, fun, joyful things.