Bloom Bravely

I’ve been spending time studying Ephesians prepping for an upcoming Bible study. While doing so, I began asking the Lord to reveal my “word” or “phrase” for this year. It’s something I didn’t start doing until last year when I was challenged to do so by my sister-in-law. It’s interesting how perfect last years word (brave) was & even more interesting how it’s creeping into this years phrase- “bloom bravely.” *GULP*

I know what happened throughout the last year and the areas I had to believe in God and be “brave.” But now, “bloom bravely... “ that just sounds like a (possibly painful) growth year.

I’ve been struggling to be content in this season of 24/7 “mommy.”

The feelings of guilt & frustration, like my 5 years of hard work & masters degree are simply a memory & complete waste of time/money...a piece of paper sitting in a nice folder, inside my hopechest. Yes- it seems over dramatic. Maybe it’s because I really never intended on this being my life. This whole being married with kids thing... my plan was to be a teacher and have dogs. End up with a doctorate & be the head of some special ed department. God OBVIOUSLY had other plans. But, the discontent is still there.

I’ve been told, in every season {no matter my age} I will always feel discontent about something... that’s why I have to rely fully on God. Believing in who He is and in His plan that’s unfolding before me. It’s a hard pill to swallow- accepting I’m not actually in control.

I’ve been praying through somethings- specifically school for my kids. It’s right around the corner, starting with preschool. There’s been lot’s of anxiety, sleepless nights, pros & cons lists, opinions (solicited & unsolicited), tears, rationalizing... etc etc. Being a former public school teacher & now a mom, I’ve got a lot of worries, fears, concerns, & to much knowledge to sort through.

In the world we live in, there are genuine fears. There are multiple options too. Homeschool. Public school. Private school. Online school. Enough to make any parent crazy. Then, throw in all the opinions of every person we know. Then the news. And it’s just a downward spiral. 

I found myself recently judging/deciding preschools based on curriculum, scope & sequence, standards. I became even more frustrated as I explored because I was finding there are many things expected of a preschooler that simply are not developmentally appropriate. Seriously, they’re 4. Why is there homework? Why are they supposed to write 3 sentences describing an objects size? Are you kidding me!?

And it just gets worse... I continue down the rabbit hole and revisit the kindergarten standards, standards I taught before leaving my job to be a stay at home mom. Standards that still make me furious & sick to my stomach. What happened to half day kindergarten & play? Social skills and phonics? Spelling & standardized tests when they’re 5? Is this a joke? Nope. It’s reality.

It’s an ugly path. It’s the exact path the enemy wanted me on too. I have become captive to fear and frustration over things I have zero control over. Things I can’t change- and believe me, I’ve spoken up, advocated for students in regard to this nonsense & all it got me was cornered, silenced, and angry. Burnt out from a career I’d just started. 

Now, I’m finding myself on the other side. A parent. I love my kids so much! I want to protect them. Keep them safe and innocent. Yet, I am still, quite literally, powerless in regard to what standards my child will be expected to reach in school, and their safety while at school. But I am completely aware that no matter what choice we make about school, we as the parents STILL play a major role. Teaching right vs wrong. Christian values vs whatever the world thinks. Love vs hate. Acknowledging parental involvement is KEY to a child’s success in school no matter how or where they go to school. That’s the *easy* part- being present, loving, doing my best to protect my kids.

It’s the living by true faith in Jesus, actively seeking His will, being wholly rooted in Him and not being paralyzed by fear that’s the *hard* part. When someone asks me how I can just be so chill about the world and the state it’s in, I often just respond acknowledging God’s in control and there is very little I can do about it. It’s a fallen, sinful world. End of story.

But, it’s not that simple. If it were, I wouldn’t be riddled with anxiety and fear over sending my kids to school. My pastor said something that BROKE me. Totally illuminated & shattered my need for control about this whole school thing. We are to “put to use what Jesus has entrusted to us...the gospel is to be obeyed by us & the gospel is to be shared by us.” Keeping my kids under a rock, believing I know best (but really just being afraid), and clinging to my own devices isn’t believing who God is & that his plan is perfect. Nor does it allow us as a family to obey and share the Gospel.

The reality is, bad, terrible, tragic things happen every single day. At any moment it could all be over. So, it doesn’t really matter what I decide about school for my kids or if I ever teach in a classroom setting again. What matters is whether or not I’ve got an “active faith rooted in an accurate faith.” Am I choosing to believe in who God is, letting that truth determine the decisions I make in regard to the precious gifts I’ve been entrusted with, instead of being a slave to fear? That’s what matters.

It ALWAYS comes back to Jesus. Always. Because without Him, I am nothing but an anxiety ridden mess struggling to balance the pros and cons of every situation that comes my way & believing lies that I’ve failed at the age of 30. It takes work to “root out the lies of the enemy” by fixing my eyes on Jesus. But, it’s my only option. The only one that makes sense. The only thing that matters. I know, without a doubt, HE is going to make it crystal clear where to go from here. My fear has to get lost & my identity has be continually found in Christ.

“What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭8:31‬ ‭ESV‬‬