A Mother's Heart Exposed

 December, the holiday season, Christmas.  This time of year brings me more stress and anxiety than it does joy on most occasions.  However, this year (2020), I am trying my best to keep my heart and mind focused on Jesus. The past few years, we as a family have had a short Advent devotional/story we read through each night. The first few days are fine, but then I quickly become irritated and overwhelmed by "one more thing to do." Forgetting completely about Jesus. Wishing it would just be December 26th.  Something is different in me this year. Yes, I still have my frantic, overwhelmed moments and days. Yes, I still feel anxious about the extra stuff that comes with the holidays. But, my heart is much  more focused on Jesus .  As a mom, I want to control many things; I've actually always been this way, motherhood just exasperated it. I'm slowly, daily, learning and being reminded I'm not in control of everything .  My prayer in this season has become...

What a year to start a writing journey again. There's something therapeutic about putting thoughts into words and sharing with others, but not for  others. I don't keep track of how many views my blog gets. I don't share it more than once, right after it's been published. It's more for me than it is you, but I enjoy sharing because maybe  the Spirit of God will prompt something in YOU as you read something I've written.  Maybe, you'll discover you're "not the only one." Maybe you will read a scripture, start digging further, and then meet with God in a way you never have before OR haven't in a long time.  Whatever brought you here, I'm happy to share with you. My words are simply an outlet to share what's in my heart; a tangible step to being real with others.  We are living in some tense times. A lot of things that have been causing heartache for generations are boiling to the surface or out right exploding. There are things happ...

In February of this year, a friend of mine asked if I would run the Disney Wine and Dine Half-Marathon November 8th with her. I laughed at first.  Then, I thought about how this is something that has been on my bucket list to do since moving to Florida 7 years ago. I never did it though. I was terrified to run such a long distance, especially alone.  But, now was the perfect time to say yes.  What could be more magical than running 13.1 miles through Disney World? Through the Magic Kingdom and Cinderella's Castle? And with friends! Nothing.   So, I began right away. Half-marathon training became my big focus. I began running again. It was a slow start, as I hadn't run since my last race (a Disney 10k in February 2019). A whole year of essentially no running. I was so happy to see my pace hadn't completely gone out the window and I could still average a 13-14 minute mile.  Along this journey, COVID happened. I kept training, not knowing, but over time assum...

 Sitting in a rocker, in the dark, a sound machine blasting "beach waves," I forget about the chaos of the day for a moment.  The frustrating moments. The tantrums. The nap refusals. The sass. And I just hold on to this moment, rocking my big 4 year old as he falls asleep in my lap. His face isn’t that of a baby anymore. He’s a little boy now. Growing and changing every single day. When he asks to cuddle, everything else stops, because one day will be the last day he requests to snuggle his mama. I know there are trials ahead. I know the frustration, worry, overall consuming “mom life” is not going to end or get easier- it will just change as he gets older. And I’ll find ways to adapt and change with him. I’ll still be relying on many minute prayers throughout my day. Still relying on Jesus to get me through it. And still relying on my favorite coffee shop to supply me with quality caffeine & peaceful escape. But for now, I’m going to sit in the moment. Sit with...

This is a season of waiting.  A season full of waiting for normalcy to return.  A season waiting to be able to go and do all the things my family loves to do.  A season of waiting for all of the anxiety to work itself out.  A season full of unknowns, waiting and hoping for answers.  In this season of waiting, I have one hope; one truth I can cling to even on my darkest day- Jesus .  Let me be frank, my anxiety is not a lack of faith. It’s a chemical reaction in the brain. I’ve been here before... The difference now is I know how to recognize the signs, approach the symptoms, and remember to pray for strength and clarity.  There is a list of things I love doing and miss greatly during this season. It’s all compacted with the weight of COVID-19 too. I'm sure many of you are experiencing something similar. Already, as a mom of two toddlers, I’ve been sitting in a season of waiting. A season where I have put my dreams/passions on hold (for lack of be...

Life is a whirlwind. Things come at me from all different directions, from potty training accidents, to dinner decisions, to hard conversations and situations. Only one question needs to be asked in those moments. Have I stopped and prayed? It’s easy to pray at the START or near the END of something. Sometimes prayers turn from cries of desperation into shouts of praise. But what about all the time in the middle? I could probably list a few times in my life where I began praying at the start of something, got comfortable or didn’t see any change, quit praying about it, then one of two things would happen: By the end I was praising God because of how I saw him work (despite my lack of prayer) or I was spouting off a snarky, cynical response such as, “why bother to pray when this was always going to be the end result.” Both responses show where my faith was lacking. I wanted prayer to be a quick fix; a magical spell, if you will. But, that’s not how it works. I don’t get to claim I trust...

I remember feeling anxious one morning before going on the platform to lead my college peers in worship. I remember feeling a rush of the Holy Spirit come over me, "You're standing on holy ground." I was shaken. Confused. Liberated. I asked the campus pastor if I could take my shoes off. His answer: "Go for it!" There I was, walking onto the stage to lead worship, barefoot . I definitely remember feeling silly, especially when I had friends ask me where my shoes were. From that day on, for a season, every time I led worship with my incredible team, I was barefoot. I know, it sounds crazy. In Exodus 3, Moses has an encounter with God via a burning bush. He sees the bush on fire, but not quite engulfed, and thinks he'll take a look around to maybe see what the heck is going on. How is this bush on fire, but not completely on fire? But, he doesn't get the chance to investigate. Take a look at what it reads in verses 4-6: When the  Lord  saw th...

WOW. What. A. Week. That's all I've got for the last 6 weeks. I am blessed to have friends I am able to continue studying the Word with via email. It really is helping me to remember who is in control and who I need to be focusing on during this time. There are so many things to be thankful for right now among this pandemic- something we've never experienced before. There are also things that bring about many negative emotions- anger, sadness, frustration, fear, exhaustion. But I keep reminding myself in the quiet of the night, when the kids are asleep, that God is the source of peace. HE is the only one who can steady my anxious heart and equip me to parent well during this time. And he is also the one pouring out mercy and grace when I screw it all up, lose my temper, and throw tantrums alongside my toddlers. I am reading a book by Lisa Whittle titled, Jesus Over Everything, and it is perfect for this season. I have to keep Jesus over every single moment of the day....

There’s no doubt the world is in chaos. There are panic stricken people. People everywhere who are suffering in all different ways, to different extents, and they’re coping in a multitude of ways. We’ve been asked to do something that is far out of our comfort zone and inconvenient (for some) and may even trigger past traumatic events. We’ve been asked to stay home and avoid public places- watching our small businesses struggle because of something we can’t control. There’s a lot I have to say about what’s happening around the world- but I’m not going to... because it’s all opinion and walks the fine line of between being annoying, political, and religious- and I’m not here to debate. I’m not a licensed counselor or psychologist, but I’m about to write things that I wholeheartedly believe in and have been told by a counselor in the past (which, y’all, I highly recommend counseling- because mental health is important.) Every single human being is- bear with me- like a p...

As some of us have discovered via google searches, the internet is flooded with articles & blogs with lists & ways to set expectations for serving in different areas of church ministry. They list skills and character traits that are important to possess & are (sometimes) critical to that area of ministry. One article I saw actually listed “spiritual maturity” as one of the requirements- stating new &/or immature Christians couldn’t serve. *smacks hand to forehead*  But, what if the only requirement was loving Jesus? Seeking Him? Being willing to have quick (or deep) discussions about how your heart is & being authentic about it all? Isn’t that how we grow spiritually? By walking alongside others who have had different experiences, who are currently walking in relationship with Christ & loving Him with their whole self? If spiritual maturity is a requirement to serve, then none of us should be serving because we won’t reach that till we get to Heaven. ...

I’ve been spending time studying Ephesians prepping for an upcoming Bible study. While doing so, I began asking the Lord to reveal my “word” or “phrase” for this year. It’s something I didn’t start doing until last year when I was challenged to do so by my sister-in-law. It’s interesting how perfect last years word (brave) was & even more interesting how it’s creeping into this years phrase- “ bloom  bravely.” *GULP* I know what happened throughout the last year and the areas I had to believe in God and be “brave.” But now, “ bloom bravely ... “ that just sounds like a (possibly painful) growth year. I’ve been struggling to be content in this season of 24/7 “mommy.” The feelings of guilt & frustration, like my 5 years of hard work & masters degree are simply a memory & complete waste of time/money...a piece of paper sitting in a nice folder, inside my hopechest. Yes- it seems over dramatic. Maybe it’s because I really never intended on this being my life....